


What We Archive In The Shadows

by mylongestoof



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Additional Tags to Be Added, Angst, Blood Drinking, Comedy, Elias is a dick in this but if you know what happens to the baron then you know what happens to him, Established Sasha James/Tim Stoker, F/F, F/M, Guillermo gives me big Martin energy so that's how this happened, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Slow Burn, Super minor - Freeform, Vampires, What We Do In The Shadows AU, Which means that I can officially change Jon's name to Jon the Restless, mockumentary, title is a misnomer there is no archiving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24814540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylongestoof/pseuds/mylongestoof
Summary: A documentary crew decides to make a documentary about four vampires, and a human, who share a house in Staten Island.AKA, Jon is a shit boss even as a vampire.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	What We Archive In The Shadows

Martin closes the curtains. He dusts the stairwell and the brass candles and the paintings which are scattered across the old and dusty house. The sun is almost set. He lights the candles.

“My name is Martin.” Martin says to the camera, “I am, well, a familiar to Jon the Restless, who is, um, a vampire.”

Martin walks up the stairs and into a room, where there is a faint voice, muffled by the sound of the coffin.

“Mah-tin , the lid is stuck, I can’t get it open!”

Martin tries to open it with his own hands, but it doesn’t budge.

“I have been working for him for about...ten years to the day,” Martin says, still to the camera. It seems like he can’t believe it.

Now Martin is trying to pry open the coffin with a knife, and, surprisingly, it works. Here, we see Jon the Restless for the first time. The coffin lid is opened by Martin, and Jon rises to his feet, dressed as if he had just walked out of the 1800s.

“Bloody stupid coffin.” Jon mumbles, before looking down at Martin, “Well? Fetch me my clothes, Mah-tin ! We haven’t got all night!”

Martin looks down at his hands, suddenly uncomfortable to be sitting in a chair with the camera in his face, “It’s not like a normal job. Jon is my master, and, well, he expects me to call him such.”

“Yes, Master,” Martin says quickly, before running off to fetch Jon his clothes.

“I live in a house with three other vampires. There’s, uh, Tim the Aggravator.”

Martin is dusting the bookshelves, and Tim appears behind him as if he were going for the kill. His hands are up in the air, and he lunges for Martin’s neck.

“Here comes the tickle monster! Hahahaha!” Tim yells, tickling Martin, who just stands there and takes Tim’s tickles. Martin is not ticklish, but he hasn’t had the guts to tell Tim that. If he did, then he still probably wouldn’t have his guts anymore.

“There’s Sasha the Wise.”

“Martin, what do you think of this dress?” Sasha stands that the top of the stairs, showing Martin her very black dress.

“It’s, well, stylish?” Martin offered.

Sasha frowned, “Disgusting. You’ll burn it tomorrow morning, Martin.” Sahsa stomps off and Martin looks at the camera, confused.

“And Daisy Tonner.” Martin finishes, “Although Daisy is a bit different.”

“I’m an energy vampire,” Daisy says, leaning closer to the camera to show off her sharpened teeth. She paid for that.

“I leech off of the emotions from other people. Most vampires like me leech off of boredom, but I leech off of fear.” Daisy smirks.

“She’s a cop, actually.” Martin says, “Just like those cops in the movies. She’s very tough and I am very afraid of her.” Martin looks directly into the camera, “More so than any of these other vampires.”

“Mah-tin , this tea is too cold!” Jon yelled. He stood in the kitchen, which looks surprisingly new compared to the rest of the house. He was glaring down at a mug that said “World’s Best Mother” as if it had eaten his fingers.

“Master, you aren’t supposed to be drinking tea!” Martin yelled. The camera panned over and showed Martin holding four paper bags with his hand. He dropped them and ran over to Jon.

“I...you’re right, for once, Mah-tin .” Jon then projectile vomited all over the spotless kitchen. Martin watched in horror as the kitchen, the cleanest place in the old house, was absolutely ruined by Jon’s last meal.

“Oops.” Jon said, “Mah-tin , clean this up.” His cape fluttered in the wind as he passed Martin.

Martin sunk to his knees, his pants now stained with blood vomit, “Yes, Master.”

“What do I think of Mah-tin ?” Jon asked, crossing his legs in the chair, “Well, I think he’s a right idiot. Just a complete imbecile.”

“Mah-tin ! I need help with my cape, it’s stuck in the door! Ma _ h _ -tin?!” Martin moves past the camera and tugs on the cape, which is freed. Jon walks past him, barely paying attention.

“Fool doesn’t even know how to dust properly.” Jon remarked, before dragging his hand over the chair and showing it to the camera, “Look at this! Dust!”

A muffled voice came from behind the camera, “Actually, we told him not to-”

“Hush, I’m too busy thinking about how to berate Mah-tin .” Jon waved the camera crew away, but they just sat there, unsure of what to do.

“Really, I don’t understand why Jon hates Martin.” Sasha said, crossing her arms, “He’s been a good familiar. Better than the last one Tim and I had. That  **_beep_ ** -ing  **_beep_ ** was a disgusting thief and he nearly made off with our possessions! Luckily I grabbed him and had him for dinner. Tasted nasty, but  _ oh  _ the revenge was worth it.”

“What do I think about Martin and Jon?” Tim asked, “Well, this isn’t the bloody Martin and Jon show, is it?” Tim rolled his eyes and leaned back, “I don’t understand why Jon can’t say Martin’s name normally. I get that we’re all European, but Sash and I can say Martin’s name normally. Martin says  _ his  _ name normally. Jon’s just a posh twit!”

“What do I think of Jon?” Martin asked, a blush coloring his cheeks, “I, well, I mean, I…” Martin lowers his head into his hands and spoke weakly, “I think I have a crush on him.”

“Oh, Martin is definitely in love with Jon,” Sasha says, “He’s got the heart eyes, the stammering, the fastened pulse. It’s obvious.”

“Yeah, everyone can see it.” Tim adds, “Well, Jon can’t, but he’s very, erm, obtuse. Smart as hell, but...other than that it’s just…” Tim doesn’t finish his thought.

“I feed off of that energy too.” Daisy points out, “Martin and Jon are like my morning cup of coffee. All I have to do is talk to Martin about Jon and boom, I’m ready to start my day.”

“So, Martin, I was wondering what type of music Jon would like and since you’re his familiar, I was wondering what you thought about it as well,” Daisy says.

“I, well, who knows!” Martin exclaims, a soft and distant smile appearing on his face. Daisy looks at the camera and her eyes glow blue.

“I think Mah-tin is suspicious.” Jon says, “His heart speeds up every time I’m near and he can’t look me in the eye.” Jon glares at the camera, “He’s hiding something, I’m sure of it. I have yet to figure out what it is, though.”

“House meeting!” Jon calls from the front area, “Everyone, come down here because I’ve got a letter!”

Tim and Sasha trudge their way down the steps, the wood groaning as they walked down. Martin stood beside Jon, looking at the floor, unable to make eye contact with the rest of the vampires.

“What is it, Jon?” Tim groaned, “I was doing something important.”

“Not as important as this.” Jon held out a letter, “It’s from Elias.”

Tim and Sasha turned to each other and moaned. Martin looked at the camera and shrugged. He didn’t know who Elias was, either.

“Now, come to the Library and I will read it aloud for everyone to hear!” Jon commanded.

“You can just read it right here, Jon.” Tim pointed out.

“Yes, but I want to read it in the Library,” Jon argued.

“I don’t want to go to the Library!” Tim yelled.

“Oh, shut up!” Sasha yelled, “I can’t take you two bickering all night! Just go to the Library!”

Tim grumbled and they walked into the Library. Martin closed the doors behind him and Jon stared at him.

“Yes, Master?” Martin asked.

“Are you  _ sure  _ they’re closed all the way, Mah-tin ? This is a very important and  _ very  _ top-secret letter.”

Martin opened the doors, and closed the doors again, “Yes, Master, the doors are closed.”

Jon grunted, and turned to Tim and Sasha, “This here is a letter from Elias as you all know.” He opened it, and read it, “And...wait a second, it appears Elias is coming here, to Staten Island to check up on how we’re doing.” Jon lowered the letter and stared at his two companions, “He’s never left England before...this is bad.”

“The thing about Elias is that he’s a bastard.” Jon says, leaning forward as if to share some gossip, “I hate every letter I send to him, and we only write to each other once a year! The man is an arsehole and if it weren’t for the fact that he is my  _ superior  _ then he would not step foot in America!”

“I heard that Elias has been getting married and divorced to a man for several centuries. The same man!” Tim exclaimed, “I’d say I wish that were me, but you know, I love Sasha and all that.” Tim rolled his eyes.

“Excuse me, who is Elias?” Martin asked.

“Not now, Mah-tin , vampires only.”

“Then how about you fucking include me next time?” Daisy asks, standing menacingly at the door.

“Mah-tin , you said the door was closed!” Jon yelled.

“Master, the door can open.”

Jon rolled his eyes, “Despicable work, Mah-tin , I should eat you.”

Martin flushes and Daisy’s eyes glow blue. She is feeding.

“What are we going to do about Elias?” Sasha asked, “Throw him a party? Where will we put him?”

Martin and Jon stood in the middle of a convenience store. Jon was checking out the streamers and the party hats, and Martin was trying to divert any attention towards them.

“Would this be good enough for Elias, Mah-tin ?” Jon asked, holding up some red streamer, “It looks like blood, doesn’t it?”

Martin doesn’t think it looks like blood, but he nods, “Well, yes, Master, everything here looks like it would make a fun party.”

Jon groaned, “You make it sound as if Elias is a ten-year-old who wishes to have the best birthday party in his class.” Jon grabbed the streamers and threw it in the basket.

“What about this?” Martin asked, holding up a plastic skeleton.

Jon glares at it, and it bursts into flame. Martin shrieks and drops it while Jon pushes the cart away from him.

“We could put him in the basement,” Tim suggested.

Daisy glared at him, “That’s where I sleep, twig.”

Tim laughed uncomfortably, “Okay, then what about the attic?”

“The StairMaster is up there!” Sasha said, “We can’t move the StairMaster!”

“We must, Sasha my love! Elias is going to be here soon and we have to find a place to put him!”

Sasha lowered her head in shame, “I understand, Tim.”

Tim nodded, “I know this will be upsetting for you. It is very upsetting for me. Would you like me to do it?”

Sasha nodded.

Together, all four vampires, along with Martin, stood at the docks, where men unloaded Elias’ coffin. They asked Jon to sign for it, but he couldn’t since he was a vampire and his touch wouldn’t register on the screen. The whole event ended up being Jon grabbing Martin’s hand to sign his name, and Daisy remarking that she had “one hell of a meal”.

Back at the house, they all stood in the attic, waiting for Elias to step out. Jon leaned over to Martin and asked, “Did you bring Elias a suitable meal?”

Martin nodded.

“The thing about serving a bunch of vampires is that I have to feed them...and get rid of their leftovers.” Martin says, cringing, “I don’t like thinking about that a lot.”

A woman stood to the left of Elias’ coffin, shivering and very confused.

The coffin burst open, and Elias, dressed to the nines, stepped out, before grabbing the poor woman and eating her, very violently, in front of everyone in the room. Elias’ familiar, a man that none of them knew or cared to know, watched with a blank face.

Everyone, including the vampires, closed their eyes and waited for Elias to finish.

“Good evening.” Elias said, in a smooth voice that sounded as if he hadn’t just stepped out of a very dusty coffin, “I see we’re all gathered here together.”

Tim bowed, “Yes, erm, Elias. What news do you bring?”

Elias shrugged, “I just want to know whether or not you have conquered America yet.”

Tim winced, “Uh, we’ve...yes, we have.”

Elias smiled, knowing that Tim was full of shit, “If you haven’t, you know I will kill you, right Tim?”

Tim nodded. Elias turned to Jon.

“I trust that they will prove to be useful to you, Jon.” Then he stepped back inside, and the coffin closed.

Jon let out a breath of relief, “That...was terrible.”

Sasha nodded, and she ran to leave the attic.

Martin tucked Jon into his coffin, making sure it was all clean and ready for him to sleep in. The sun would be rising soon, and Martin didn’t want Jon to die in a fiery and painful death.

“Mah-tin , we haven’t been doing a good job conquering America.”

“It is very big, Master,” Martin said, trying to provide comfort for his boss.

Jon nodded, “It would have been easier if we tried to conquer London. Have you ever been to London, Mah -tin?”

“I was born in England, Master,” Martin said, glancing up at the camera.

“Oh, I didn’t notice.” Jon paused, “Wait, it is an important day for you, isn’t it Mah-tin?”

“I was hoping he’d notice.” Martin said, looking pleased, “Ten years of service is a very big milestone! Especially in this line of work!”

“It is, Master.”

Jon frowned, “I’ve forgotten to give you a gift. I’ll get one for you later.” Jon closed his eyes, “Hmm, two years. How the time flies.”

Martin frowned, “It’s been ten, Master.”

Jon grunted, not opening his eyes, “Fine, then, ten years. I don’t care much for time.”

“At least he remembered.” Martin said, “That’s better than nothing, which is what I get from him most of the time.”

“Goodnight, Master,” Martin said, closing the coffin.

“Goodnight, Mah-tin .”

Martin blew out the candles and closed the door to Jon’s room.

“What do I do in the day.” Martin repeated, “Well, I clean the house, I mow the lawn, I trim the hedges, I w…” Martin paused, “I work. I hardly ever sleep. No time for that, in a house like this.”

Martin smiles, albeit painfully.

**Author's Note:**

> As you can see, I am from America. So...sorry. Also, you can ask any questions if you wish. For example: Why are they in Staten Island?  
> Answer: Because it wouldn't make sense for them to be in England, the land of vampires. Also because they are already European and I think that the funniest aspect of the show is just people ignoring their weird ways because they're European.


End file.
